Disappointment.

Ever so often we question how much we actually mean to the world. Whether or not you've done your good and done your part in the world. You lie in bed and think about everything you've done and could've done in the past years of your life and before you know it, your eyes are welled up in tears and your throat choking with pain because at the end of it all, you ask yourself, "Will I ever be good enough?"

You feel the sudden need to have someone reassure you, that you've done everything you can in the world to be your best. But have you really? Have you done your best? Have you ever pushed so hard until your body ached, screaming, begging for you to stop? Have you ever pushed so hard until you felt the bile rise up into your throat, your eyes sore from all the bitter and angry tears? And even after all that, is your best ever going to be good enough?

You've disappointed the people who have put so much expectation in you. You've disappointed the people who believed in you. The people who trusted you to live up to their expectations because they knew you could do it. But you couldn't. You've let them down. You've disappointed the people who love you so much that they tell you that "really, it's okay", but is it really okay? Even behind those three words, there is still disappointment. Whether or not it's "okay", you've failed them. So really, think about it, is it ever okay?

Your hands are shaking when you realise you're a failure. Your head is spinning from all the deep breaths you've been taking to calm yourself down. Nothing is working now. Your heart is thumping in your chest, it aching from all the pain you feel. Your body is numb and you just want everything to go away. You hug yourself tight and curl into a ball. Does that comfort you? A little bit? Maybe none at all.

You close your eyes, with the tears streaming down your face. And right there, in the back of your mind, you remind yourself of all the pressure everyone has put on you. How much they've expected, how much you've disappointed. & right then is when you see the one person you've gotten the most pressure from and the one you've disappointed the most.

It's you. It has always been you. You're the one pressuring yourself the most. You're the one most disappointed in yourself. You're the hardest on yourself as everyone else has been because you believed in yourself the most. You trusted yourself to do the right thing and you've screwed it up. So, what now? You ask yourself the same question. What now?

You move on. Because that's what people do. Fall seven times, get up eight. Because even if the world has given up on you, you will still have yourself. And at the end of the day, you'd be glad that you were so hard on yourself in the first place.

Fighters were born in battle and combat. And that's exactly what you are. A fighter.